I'm so fucking centered right now
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
