I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
no, he came in my armpit
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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