i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
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She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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