You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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