There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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