She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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