yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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