My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
