It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
