Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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