i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my shit smells like andre
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
