And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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