My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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