I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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