Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
...so i touched it.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
