she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
