Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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