Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
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so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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