Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
