she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
