Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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