You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
