Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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