How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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