I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
