If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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