I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
