how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Come share oat with me in your robe
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
