what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
