can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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