Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
