im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
