I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
