Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
