I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
