My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
