If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
