I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
time to smoke my breakfast
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
