sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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