Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
