someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
