I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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