I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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