you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
