maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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