woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
