she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My cat gives me a boner
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
