Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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