Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
