if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I looked at my own cervix.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am one with the molecules
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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