Pants 0. Shit 1.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
