that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
