you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
