Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
