its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
