the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
