Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
