My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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