nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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