So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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