I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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