On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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