yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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