I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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