nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
